dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
