Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
