I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
