Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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