i always forget guys have bellybuttons
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
