I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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