I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Can I color on your dick again?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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