I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
