The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
True college students do jello shots in the library
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