I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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