Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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