I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
