Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
