I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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