I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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