i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Randomize
