An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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