her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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