I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
