I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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