I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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