Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
