I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
