Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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