I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
