just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
