I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
