Kiss
Puke
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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