You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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