Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
