Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Did I show you my penis last night?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
