My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
