My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
