why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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