We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
