I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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