Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
