tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
