If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
