I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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