idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
