I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
