Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
