DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
