Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
