She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
