i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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