She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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