the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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