the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
