She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
