My friends, they love my intelligence
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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