i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
