She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
