He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
