just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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